At The End of Me
Living in the jungle of cambodia this month has had its fair share of memorable experiences. Living in a treehouse under a mango tree, hearing a pig slaughtered every morning, having running water and electricity (sometimes), riding motorbikes to ministry, and getting to take the gospel for the first time to an unreached island. Soon, I’ll share more stories and pictures. But I want to let you in on what God is doing in my heart, and why I feel like I’m at the end of me.
As we entered our jungle month, I had a feeling God was up to something big, and that scared me. I figured month 11 would probably be at least a little more westernized, so month 10 would be a big last month of abandonment and seeking God alone. During the first few days of the month, He put things on my heart to surrender fully to Him. To get out of His way, to give them up, and see how He takes care of me.
Sure. Fine. Great. He’s good. But those things hurt to give up.
So, I spent the next week and a half or so digging into God and His word as hard as I could. My journal is littered with “die to self” and “He is enough” lingo, and I listened to countless worship songs and sermons by people like Mark Driscoll, John Piper, Matt Chandler, Francis Chan… you get the picture.
But even though I love our contacts and this month is an adventure. I was stuck in the jungle. Eating rice, pork, and mangos every day. It was super exciting if we found a Coke. I made a commitment in the beginning of the month to not distract myself with movies, secular music, excessive internet (we didn’t have it anyway) or anything like that. I just wanted God and Him alone.
It got to the point, a couple days ago, where our team went a little crazy. Everyone is getting sick, Sam and Amanda are in the hospital in the city with Dengue fever, we have nothing to do in our spare time except talk in the hammocks, play cards, and work out. Sometimes it was too hot to move, and we’d all just lay on the ground, haha. And then, my computer stopped working. The missionary had said that ants get inside and eat the computer. Great. (By the way, it works on and off now, praise the Lord.) But it scares me still, because my external harddrive also does not work, so I thought I lost/could still lose all my videos and pictures from the Race. I also couldn’t take any more pictures, because my camera is full and my computer doesnt have any room or work to hold them. I also gave away my Bible last month, so my iPod has a Bible on it that I was using, but I still missed my Bible. Blah, blah, blah, you get the picture.
So… we took an overnight trip to visit the girls in the hospital. I took my iPod, because with no Bible and everything, it was a huge blessing in seeking the Lord, keeping my heart right, etc.
So, after visiting them, Natalie and I got on the Tuk Tuk (a motorcycle with a card behind it) for the hour ride home. After we got moving and were on the bigger roads, I got out my iPod to listen to some Christian music about, ha, surrendering to the Lord.
Cambodia is the 30th country I’ve been in. I’m pretty good at knowing when it’s safe and not safe to whip out something like an iPod. And usually, moving fast on the highway is pretty darn safe.
So, I’m praying. Praying over the monks and temples we drive by.
Videoing a few clips of the insanity of drivers in Cambodia.
Listening to worship music.
So, the next song came on.
“All Your ways are good.
All your ways are sure.
I will trust in You alone…
All I need is You alone.
Where You go, I’ll go.
Where You stay, I’ll stay…
I will follow You…
If this life I lose,
I will follow You.”
Snatch.
Two men had driven up on a motorcycle.
One grabbed my arm and took my iPod right out of my hand and drove away.
REALLY, GOD?!
I live in the jungle for you.
I bring the gospel to unreached people for you.
I surrender everything to you.
You already HAVE my heart.
Why do you need my iPod too?
(I know that sounds sort of lame, but it was my sanity this month.)
So? I just cried.
And pouted.
“If this LIFE I lose, I will follow You.”
…and I can’t even lose an iPod?
To be honest, yes, it’s difficult, and frustrating. And I have no idea where money will come from once I get home for a computer and iPod, both of which I need for photography/work. But… in all reality, it’s just an iPod.
So, last night, when I laid back down on the bamboo floor to go to sleep.
After digging through my pack to find my last earplug so I could sleep.
(I told God that I couldn’t handle not sleeping for the next week,
so He let me find the earplug, haha.)
I realized I was at the end of me.
I have to rely on my teammates pictures to show you all.
I have to barely use my computer so it doesn’t break again.
I can’t listen to worship music.
I can’t listen to sermons.
I don’t even have a Bible.
So, I have God.
And even if, to be honest, His tactics and the things He allows annoy me sometimes.
And I know there are way bigger trials in life than losing an iPod.
(Though, that’s a big one on the Race.)
He’s enough.
And even though I’m at the end of me.
And to be honest, a little tired of surrendering.
(Willfully or unwillfully.)
He’s enough.
He’s enough.
He’s enough.
(Fun jungle-y pictures, Malaysia information,
and all that good stuff coming soon.)
Be home in 39 days.
