The one about burnout, rest, and fighting for my soul.

Life’s a funny thing, isn’t it? It’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns, Diagon and Knockturn alleys. We think we see far ahead, but really there’s something just around the bend that we don’t expect. Or something we long for that seems to flicker away like a distant mirage. But life is also full of scenic overlooks, undiscovered pathways, and quirky pit stops. And that’s kind of what makes the journey fun.

And I believe that’s what God calls us to. A journey. An adventure. A story.

Typically in my life, when I announced God was calling me into a new adventure, there were pictures that followed of African orphans, temple explorations, elephant rides, European skylines, ancient pyramids, community houses, and the occasional waterfall discovery. And those seasons – those chapters – have been the most exciting and precious times in my life.

But they’ve also been incredibly exhausting.

I mean like, scraping the leftovers of my soul off the floor kind of exhausting. I was giving all I had, consistently, for years. Without taking many breaks.

Since I was in junior high I’ve been going full steam with this “ministry” thing. I was involved in every youth group, school, and college ministry team there was. I was in leadership as much as I was allowed. I’ve worked at Christian camps, Christian ministries, social work agencies, and traveled the world. I’ve gone on one to two mission trips a year since I was thirteen, totaling well over thirty countries.

I’m now twenty-six. And I’ll be honest. I’m burned out.

Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t for a single second change the life I’ve been given these past thirteen years. I have some of the most beautiful memories and life changing experiences that exist. And it has been my joy to actively, educationally, voluntarily, and now vocationally serve the Lord alongside incredible men and women of God.

(And for the record, I don’t plan to stop. I just plan to do it a little differently.)

God’s been calling me into a season of rest for a while now. And I haven’t listened. I’ve kept up my insane schedule, my busy job, and other circumstances that I know haven’t been healthy.

Why?

Because I’ve been scared.

Scared that I would disappoint everyone around me if I stopped. Scared that if, God forbid, I did something like go on actual vacation, everyone would think, “Man, I has such high hopes for Stephanie. She seemed like she loved Jesus so radically but she’s actually pretty selfish.”

But in fact, it was the opposite. Not only would likely no one have thought that, but by not taking breaks or caring for myself well, I’ve been selfish, which was the very thing I was trying to avoid. I’ve been selfish because I’ve depleted myself of so much passion and energy that I have little to continue to give.

In the words of C.S. Lewis,
“I often feel like butter scraped over too much bread.”

I refuse to continue that way. I refuse to not value myself or love myself well enough to, well, CHILL FOR A SEC, so that I am refueled and ready to serve with a gracious, thankful, and energetic heart, rather than a guilty, shameful, people-pleasing, religious heart. We’re kicking the latter in the pants and saying “adios!”

Because here’s what I’m learning (um, again): God’s not pleased with busy. And if I truly want to create a home one day where those who are tired and weary can come in to be refreshed, encouraged, and made whole, I need to create that home for my weary self.

He who is faithful with little will be entrusted with much.
And I want to be entrusted with much.

So, what does that look like?

What does it look like to (sort of) stop putting the pedal to the metal in ministry and do some soul work? I really don’t think it means throwing my hands up in the air, cursing ministry, and stomping out. That would be ridiculous.

But it does mean I have to make a calculated, tangible change.
(No, literally – I had a calculator.)

1. I need to stop fundraising. I have an incredible support base, many of which have been with me since that first trip at age thirteen. But I’m exhausted by asking for money, the pressure of how I use it (real or perceived), and the misperception that many relationships are maintained purely for monetary purposes. “But Stephanie,” you may ask, “you have to fundraise for your job at Adventures! Are you quitting?” No. Which brings me to number two.

2. I’m staying with Adventures in Missions, but moving to part time. This allows me to work at an hourly rate, eliminate fundraising, and still say involved with a ministry that’s near and dear to my heart.

3. I’m also working a few hours a week marketing Story Cartel. It starts Monday, and I’m excited to learn from Joe Bunting – an expert on all things writing and blogging.

4. Along the lines of all that, beginning in February I will be working from home. I’m blessed to be able to do all my responsibilities remotely. All I can say is praise the Lord.

5. Oh, and I’m moving. Like, tomorrow. (I know, I’m shocked too.) I knew that my goal was to move to Atlanta in the spring, rather than an hour away like I am now, but I found someone to take over my lease right away. So, for the next 6-8 weeks I’ll be living with my Dad in our log cabin. Even though it’s a transition period, what writer wouldn’t want to be holed up in a cabin in the mountains? It’ll be a treat for sure. During this time though, I still get some exciting ministry opportunities. I’ll be working at both Passion conferences in Atlanta and Houston as well as continuing on the video production team!

6. In the spring, I’ll be moving to Atlanta with a beloved friend to FINALLY be close to my Passion City Church family. And since I can work from home (insert dance move), I can continue with Adventures. I’ll be looking for additional part time or contract Marketing work (if you have any leads, let me know!) and setting up “home” for a bit. A home where we can be refilled, refreshed, and ready to serve.

7. And lastly, sometime this year, I’m going to go ON VACATION.

It’s been a calculated, prayerful decision. It eliminates some of the stress while allowing me to continue to serve. Jesus calls us to pour out, but he doesn’t call us to shatter and be of no use. But even though it’s been thought through, it still leaves a lot of unknown. And God gets a big chance to show up for me as I obey him.

So, here’s to sticking it to a busy, religious, non-stop heart and embracing a new season. A little bit of a scary season, but a good one. (And by scary, I mean I’ve called multiple friends crying or freaking out in the midst of packing because I’m just not used to slowing down.)

It’s a twist I never expected. A hope that I thought was a mirage. And I’m praying it’s a more scenic, rather than efficient, route.

I want my kitchen to be for dancing, you know?

I’m beginning to fight for my soul.

What about you? Will you fight for health, love, and whatever God is calling you to? Will you stop worrying about what people think, who you may or may not be letting down, and realize that God loves you for who you are, not what you do?

Let’s do this thing together.

(And wish me luck, cause I have to go pack a bunch of boxes and move to a little German village in Georgia like, now.)

 

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To all my incredible supporters – watch for more info in the coming weeks about how this affects you. You have my uttermost thanks for your continued support and love.