One of the biggest lessons that I'm learning on The World Race is about GRACE.

 Understanding that God loves me despite my imperfections, and that the entire point of the gospel is that I will always mess up, and I'll never be perfect, and I will never have it all together. And that's okay.

 To be honest, I've been wanting to post this blog for a while, but I've realized I tend to write about things God has taught me, rather than IS teaching me. This is something I will probably always struggle with, and if I wait until I have it all together to talk about it, I'll end up never talking about it. So here we go.

I am not perfect.

I know, to the rest of the world, that's a big fat "duh." But I've realized I have one expectation for myself: perfection.

The World Race warned us at training camp to rid ourselves of our expectations. At that time, I thought that only meant expecting to have an amazing time all year, expecting to jump off every waterfall in existence, etc. I've realized I have to drop these unrealistic expectations I have for myself. The expectations of perfection, having it all together - all the time, never  messing up, never doubting God, serving God until I'm blue in the face, and performing, performing, performing for God. And consequently, always messing up.

Because I am a human being. Stephanie, you are a human being. And you, you are a human being too. And the entire point of Christianity is that you will mess up, and God is gracious.

And it's HIS righteousness, NOT our own. It's what HE did, not what WE do or don't do, that saves us.

We hear it all the time. For it is by grace you have been saved... not by works, so that no man can boast. So great, we hear it once, raise our hand. Get that "grace" thing at the moment of salvation.

 But as soon as we're saved, we base everything off of our works. God will only speak to us if we're holy. God will only bless us if we're righteous. God will only take care of us if He can be proud of us.

What? Where is THAT in the gospel?

Granted, yes, the Bible calls us to holiness. We are to imitate Christ. I am not preaching free grace: DO NOT go purposefully sin because hey, God is gracious. Paul says we should by no means sin so that grace may abound.

But he also says that nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Last time I checked, I was part of all creation. So when I'm in Christ, I can't separate myself from God's love. I can't. But I live like I can.

And I live like I can gain God's favor by performing well.

My story is not one of a rebellious phase, with sex, drugs, and drunkenness, where I have this big turn around and am in awe of the grace of God. My story is one of the "good girl." My story is the one where the girl that knew all the sunday school answers became a pastor's daughter, went to Christian high school, went on a zillion mission trips, earned a degree in Bible, and am now a full time missionary. I've gotten almost all A's and B's, never kissed a boy, and... blah, blah, blah. On the outside, I'm the poster child for a "good girl." And trust me, I don't say this to my credit. I am absolutely thankful that God has given me my story. He has taken care of me, watched out for me, allowed my affection for Him to result in actions of serving Him, etc.

But to be honest, a lot of my life has been performing, for God and others, rather than just living as a daughter of God.

I think a lot of this comes from being a pastors daughter. Most of you reading this are either part of my church or know my dad. Please understand that I'm not saying anyone has done anything wrong at all. You're all the best, especially you, Dad. I'm just saying it's kind of the nature of the beast - the natural consequence of the position. Everyone's looking at you. You're on stage a lot. You have to be dressed up just enough to show you love church, but not too much that you show you love money. You have to be modest enough to be a good Christian girl, but not dress Amish. You have to know all the answers in Sunday School, but not talk too much and give others a chance to answer. You have to go to the local Christian high school, be involved in leadership, go on every short term missions trip, then graduate with honors in Bible college.... you get the picture.

And it's exhausting.

No one told me I had to do any of those things. But I believed I did. And to be honest, I loved high school. I love missions. I loved college. And I love The World Race. But really deeply set, I thought I had to be the perfect Christian girl. And I did all those things. Well.

But here's the part I don't do well.

I don't have it all together.

I don't let the theology I know go from my head to my heart.

I freak out about the future.

I don't always trust God has my best in mind.

I try to run my own life.

But I can't mention that I'm really scared God won't come through for me, because then I'm a bad graduate of Bible college.

I should know better.

And then it's shame, shame, shame, SHAME.

I've realized I live in a lot of shame that I sometimes feel like God's not enough. That I doubt. That I get scared. Bad daughter of God. Bad girl.

Oh, the endless web this spins. God's grace was only for the day you got saved, and then you have to prove you're being sanctified, and everyone else has to notice the Jesus in you, and then they think you're great, but when they really get to know you they see your faults, and then are disappointed in you, so you perform even more, but you let them see your faults even less, people pleasing, and performing for God. But even if you hide your faults from others, you become your own worst critic, and you don't believe anyone could ever love you in your mess, especially God.

Oh my word, Stephanie. You can really be a wreck sometimes.

But. I'm learning that's okay. God loves me in my mess.