One of the biggest lessons that I’m learning on The World Race is about GRACE.
Understanding that God loves me despite my imperfections, and that the entire point of the gospel is that I will always mess up, and I’ll never be perfect, and I will never have it all together. And that’s okay.
To be honest, I’ve been wanting to post this blog for a while, but I’ve realized I tend to write about things God has taught me, rather than IS teaching me. This is something I will probably always struggle with, and if I wait until I have it all together to talk about it, I’ll end up never talking about it. So here we go.
I am not perfect.
I know, to the rest of the world, that’s a big fat “duh.” But I’ve realized I have one expectation for myself: perfection.
The World Race warned us at training camp to rid ourselves of our expectations. At that time, I thought that only meant expecting to have an amazing time all year, expecting to jump off every waterfall in existence, etc. I’ve realized I have to drop these unrealistic expectations I have for myself. The expectations of perfection, having it all together – all the time, never messing up, never doubting God, serving God until I’m blue in the face, and performing, performing, performing for God. And consequently, always messing up.
Because I am a human being. Stephanie, you are a human being. And you, you are a human being too. And the entire point of Christianity is that you will mess up, and God is gracious.
And it’s HIS righteousness, NOT our own. It’s what HE did, not what WE do or don’t do, that saves us.
We hear it all the time. For it is by grace you have been saved… not by works, so that no man can boast. So great, we hear it once, raise our hand. Get that “grace” thing at the moment of salvation.
But as soon as we’re saved, we base everything off of our works. God will only speak to us if we’re holy. God will only bless us if we’re righteous. God will only take care of us if He can be proud of us.
What? Where is THAT in the gospel?
Granted, yes, the Bible calls us to holiness. We are to imitate Christ. I am not preaching free grace: DO NOT go purposefully sin because hey, God is gracious. Paul says we should by no means sin so that grace may abound.
But he also says that nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Last time I checked, I was part of all creation. So when I’m in Christ, I can’t separate myself from God’s love. I can’t. But I live like I can.
And I live like I can gain God’s favor by performing well.
My story is not one of a rebellious phase, with sex, drugs, and drunkenness, where I have this big turn around and am in awe of the grace of God. My story is one of the “good girl.” My story is the one where the girl that knew all the sunday school answers became a pastor’s daughter, went to Christian high school, went on a zillion mission trips, earned a degree in Bible, and am now a full time missionary. I’ve gotten almost all A’s and B’s, never kissed a boy, and… blah, blah, blah. On the outside, I’m the poster child for a “good girl.” And trust me, I don’t say this to my credit. I am absolutely thankful that God has given me my story. He has taken care of me, watched out for me, allowed my affection for Him to result in actions of serving Him, etc.
But to be honest, a lot of my life has been performing, for God and others, rather than just living as a daughter of God.
I think a lot of this comes from being a pastors daughter. Most of you reading this are either part of my church or know my dad. Please understand that I’m not saying anyone has done anything wrong at all. You’re all the best, especially you, Dad. I’m just saying it’s kind of the nature of the beast – the natural consequence of the position. Everyone’s looking at you. You’re on stage a lot. You have to be dressed up just enough to show you love church, but not too much that you show you love money. You have to be modest enough to be a good Christian girl, but not dress Amish. You have to know all the answers in Sunday School, but not talk too much and give others a chance to answer. You have to go to the local Christian high school, be involved in leadership, go on every short term missions trip, then graduate with honors in Bible college…. you get the picture.
And it’s exhausting.
No one told me I had to do any of those things. But I believed I did. And to be honest, I loved high school. I love missions. I loved college. And I love The World Race. But really deeply set, I thought I had to be the perfect Christian girl. And I did all those things. Well.
But here’s the part I don’t do well.
I don’t have it all together.
I don’t let the theology I know go from my head to my heart.
I freak out about the future.
I don’t always trust God has my best in mind.
I try to run my own life.
But I can’t mention that I’m really scared God won’t come through for me, because then I’m a bad graduate of Bible college.
I should know better.
And then it’s shame, shame, shame, SHAME.
I’ve realized I live in a lot of shame that I sometimes feel like God’s not enough. That I doubt. That I get scared. Bad daughter of God. Bad girl.
Oh, the endless web this spins. God’s grace was only for the day you got saved, and then you have to prove you’re being sanctified, and everyone else has to notice the Jesus in you, and then they think you’re great, but when they really get to know you they see your faults, and then are disappointed in you, so you perform even more, but you let them see your faults even less, people pleasing, and performing for God. But even if you hide your faults from others, you become your own worst critic, and you don’t believe anyone could ever love you in your mess, especially God.
Oh my word, Stephanie. You can really be a wreck sometimes.
But. I’m learning that’s okay. God loves me in my mess.
Yes, He calls me to righteous living and holiness. He calls me to sanctification. He calls me to do good works which He has prepared in advance for me to do. But when He looks at me, He doesn’t see my Bible degree, nor does He see my journal entry where I got a little mad at Him. He sees the work of His son on the cross, where He bled and died, where my unrighteousness was put on Him, and His righteousness was imputed to me. That’s what He sees.
At month 4 debrief, we were told “God’s love for you is so THICK, He couldn’t care less about how you perform in this world.” I admit, I thought it was a little heretical. God, the perfect and holy Lord, doesn’t care how I perform in this world? He doesn’t care? Well, that’s just unbiblical. Trust me, I went to Bible college (ha.) Oh goodness, Stephanie.
Yes, God cares. He grieves when we sin. He delights when we delight in Him. But I focused on the semantics of this rather than the point.
GOD’S LOVE FOR YOU IS SO THICK THAT YOU CAN NEVER EARN HIS FAVOR, HE JUST PLAIN LOVES YOU.
In the Old Testament, God says to Israel, His chosen people, that He didn’t choose them because they were more numerous than all the other peoples, or anything like that. He basically says
“I’ve set my affection on you because I’ve set my affection on you.”
That’s what grace is. That’s what we’re supposed to live in the reality of. He’s set His affection on us because He’s set His affection on us.
We need to stop being religious and living in performance based Christianity.
This hit me hardest when we went to a Buddhist temple. I gawked at the religiosity of it all. The sadness that they thought they could earn favor by sacrifice, offering, and performing well for the next life – karma.
The way you present the gospel in a Buddhist nation is basically by saying, “…And then Jesus took all our karma on Himself at the cross, and gave us His karma, because He was perfect.” It just, culturally computes.
How dangerously close is our Christianity to religiosity and even Buddhism? Do we live in this idea of karma? That we can please God and He will therefore bless us in this life and then send us to heaven? Or that if we have bad karma, He doesn’t love us anymore?
Oh, how dangerously close we get.
Perhaps the oldest cliche in Christianity is that It’s Not A Religion, It’s A Relationship.
Awfully cheesy, but awfully true.
But we perform for God. I perform for God. I’m not okay with messing up. I’m not okay with not having it all together.
I think, subconsciously, I’ve set a standard for myself. And it’s not living in the love of Christ. It’s being the Proverbs 31 woman. At one point, in my journal, I wrote out each verse, and checked off the ones I have down, and wrote suggestions for the ones I don’t. Isn’t that absurd?
I feel like that woman is staring me in the face, telling me what I’ll never be.
Sure, I can “reach out my hands to the poor and the needy,” but, even though I’m getting better at it, I still struggle to “laugh at the time to come.”
But God’s love is big enough for my mess.
He un-overwhelmable.
So, this is my commitment to not live up to my unrealistic expectations. Or anyone else’s for that matter.
Hi, I’m Stephanie Christine Bernotas. I love God a whole lot. But I struggle with doubt. I struggle with living in His love and grace. I’m sometimes worried He won’t come through for me or take care of me. I try to control too much. I’m can be a wreck sometimes. But that’s not my identity. Nor is my identity in my uber-Christian resume. God doesn’t love me more because I can tell you the difference between Calvinism and Arminianism, nor does He loves me less because I was a little worried about my future. He has set His affection on my because He has set His affection on me. Anything I do is purely a thanks to Him for His love. My identity is a Daughter of God. Saved from myself, redeemed.
So Holy Spirit, whisper the gospel incessantly in our innermost ear every single day. We need to hear the gospel every single day. It’s not about us. It’s all about You. It’s not about us. It’s all about You.
(If you’re a fellow “good girl,” check out the book Grace For The Good Girl by Emily Freeman.)
OK, girl. You got me. I am speechless. I sobbed though this blog, with joy overflowing. If that’s ALL you discovered on the World Race, it would be enough to last 10 lifetimes. Christianity 101. If only more PASTORS had this divine insight. Yes you are loved unconditionally. I want to send this to so many people. But I want to say to you, my aughter, thank you for being YOU. You are beautiful and I love you.
Love, Dad
Dear Steph,
Thank you for not waiting until you fully manifested the realization of this 100% in your life to post this. (Though by being willing to post now, you did manifest it, you know?) I needed to hear key parts of this right now, and I always need to hear the gospel, over and over and over and over. Thank you for speaking it to US, those who “already have it,” on your blog. I needed it enough to remind me that even as Christians, we still need to speak the gospel to each other over and over and over and never stop. God uses you here, even when you’re (still) far away.
He is good.
Love you girl.
Marissa
SO impressed with the way you’ve grown over the past couple months, Steph! This transformation is HUGE and AMAZING.
Enjoy your last month- LIVE in this TRUTH!
That was beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart. The depth of what the Lord shows us personally is difficult to fully relay to others, but the very relatable message the Lord gave you for us all was profound. XOXO
Stephanie,
WOW! And I thought you were born with it all together 🙂 SO there is hope for us messy peeps? 🙂
Seriously, thank you for being so open and sharing…that was sooo beautiful and encouraging….a constant struggle I think for all of us…hence why our fellowship is so important…so many in our Trinity fam help when I am a mess…and of course hearing the gospel constantly….can’t thank you enough for sharing. You are one gorgeous mess…not only in Gods eyes but certainly mine too!!
Love, paula
beautiful, steph. BEAUTIFUL.
Encouraging and amazing. I look forward to meeting you.
Sincerely,
Maryanne Richards
Thanks, Steph, for your honesty. Sometimes I really miss your mom and when I read this, one of those moments flooded in. I am smiling at you for her. Thank you for always having a heart that listens.
I love you, Capi
Hey Steph, I saw someone post this on fb, and so I read it! I’m not sure if you remember me,but I worked in PBU admissions for a number of years and recently left to pursue career missions. And…I wanted to say this post TOTALLY relates to where I”m coming from and my background. I’m ALSO a pk, and my mindset in the past growing up (and sometimes still) is this–quite true! It was very good–challenging and convicting to read this. Thanks for sharing your heart! It’s exciting to hear what you’re learning (i.e. re-learning) about God and His Grace. These are hard lessons I started to learn/deal with actually AFTER my education at PBU…what is grace? Something hardly ever learned in church–or even growing up as a PK. I certainly didn’t get it.
Keep it up! And…world race! I’m sure you’re learning/experiencing far more than you can ever process or explain! What a joy to be Christ’s hands and feet, eh? To be in the service of our God–to be commissioned to share the greatest gift ever with others!
Thank you for that wise encouragement. Jesus must have been sitting right next to you. Just what I needed at this very moment. Sure is a big weight off the shoulders. God is Good!!! Looking forward to seeing you when you get home.
Steph,
This is something that I have struggled with too! It’s really amazing the way you’ve been able to write about it. I’m a big writer, but I’ve never been able to put this down in words. Thank you for allowing God to use you in this way and for taking the time to write about this. I have really enjoyed and been moved by your blogs. Thanks 🙂
Man, you’re not alone!!! I ALWAYS felt I had to ‘measure up’. I am surprised (yet not surprised)because you have a Dad that loves you SO much…..we ones who had Dads that did not want us or wanted us to be boys (and yes, that affects the way you see God the ‘Abba’..Dad)have had MAJOR struggles. Even though I’m better at the God’s unconditional love, I’ve got a LOoooooooong way to go, so it’s encouraging to know that you and I from our very different ‘family dynamics’ BOTH struggle. I know with my head, but it’s that ‘ol 12″ thing! Every time I think of the cross and how it was planned for me before creation, I’m blown away. I REALLY appreciate ALL your blogs and how much I have learned from them (teacher!).
Love ya, Susan
Beautiful Steph! Was thinking about you today and so happy to see this post. A pastor here in Malaysia spoke to us about getting back to our “First Love”. The moment we first surrendered and the GRACE we felt then is where we should be always. I love you and your AMAZING heart!! XOXOXO
Dear Stephanie,
I’m reading your blog later than many of the others, so most of what I’m feeling has already been expressed. But I won’t miss the opportunity to personally thank you for having the courage and honesty to share your inner most feelings about yourself and what the Lord IS teaching you. You are not alone in the things you struggle with (said the older perfectionist to the younger one). The Lord has clearly given you a revelation message to encourage our hearts. How awesome (and ironic) it is for the Lord to have led you through 11 countries away from home to teach you more about yourself and His unconditional love than the cultures you visited; and for you to have gone so far away, for many months, to bring the good news to other nations, when your most captive audience may have been right here in your back yard! May you [we]continue to grow in the GRACE and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be glory both now and forever!
With love (& a big hug),
Angela
Um, wow. Such a GREAT blog. Brought tears to my eyes Steph. Praying that you would continue to walk in this truth for ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. Praying for God to continually be pouring Himself over you. Again and again and again. LOVE you so much Steph. Praying!!!!!!
Stephanie, I love how open you are in your blog. You just put yourself out there, and told on yourself. Yes, “you are a good girl”. Yes, “you aren’t perfect on the inside” even if people looking at you might believe that you are. I too know what it is like to be the good girl and to have people think that I am just that “the good girl”. It’s a lot of pressure. I’m glad you’re being honest with yourself and with the people who love you. Let yourself off the hook … just be you. You are a true gift from and of God. I hope my little girl will get to know you … she’s eight and is reading her bible because she wants to. She;s a treasue but I fear for her – I hope you can be role model for her when you get back to the states.
Enjoy your last month and congrats on celebrating being made perfect in him through your weakness.
God Bless, Beth
Dear Stephanie, thank you for sharing what I have been feeling my whole Christian life. Do I measure up? Is God pleased with how I act, and react to things He brings into my life. You, dear, must allow this message to go far and wide so many struggling “good girls” can finally rest in Him and let Him call the shots, and help us “let” Him do the guiding.For control freaks, like me, that is very hard, and it takes a lot of trust to “let go”. I’m going to print the whole thing so I can read it often, especially when I’m doubting. Love You so much, Peg
Hi, Stephanie Christine Bernotas, I’m Andrew Anthony Davis. I love God a whole lot. But I struggle with doubt. I struggle with living in His love and grace. I’m sometimes worried He won’t come through for me or take care of me. I try to control too much. I’m can be a wreck sometimes. But that’s not my identity. God doesn’t love me more because I attend church regularly, or sing in the choir, or play on the church softball team, or participate in the men’s ministry. Nor does He love me less because I was a little worried about my future. He has set His affection on my because He has set His affection on me. Anything I do is purely a thanks to Him for His love. My identity is a Son of the Living God. Saved from myself, redeemed by God’s love at Christ’s expense. Thanks for sharing our story.
Andrew.
This resonates a lot with me. I am about to leave on the World Race next month, and this is something I needed to hear. I am one of those who needs to hear things over and over until they settle well, and this is a blog to confirm things the Lord is telling me. Thanks for posting!
Yeah…Literally just stumbled upon this (isn’t God ironic..) and let’s just say this convicted the crap out of me–the “good girl” crap that I cling so tightly to. Whew.
Love you. Can’t wait to see you in 19 short days.
I am numb by the power of the Holy Spirit. Did you realize that the “good girl” is not only you, but me also, and I’m sure countless others? You allowed yourself, as always, to be a conduit of the Holy Spirit, to speak life into dry, dead, tired and hopeless bones. (As you posted yesterday, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty/freedom.”) The wind of the Spirit is blowing new life and new freedom into his beloved children. He’s lifting the burden we’ve been carrying by telling us – just let me love you and lay down your need to prove your love to me through your so-called good works.
Once again, thank you Stephanie, for your transparency. When you are REAL and OPEN, those are the times when spiritual surgery is performed in my life. Your voice couldn’t have spoken LOUDER or CLEARER to my situation. You have blessed me because I feel like the Lord just loved on me through you. May you experience a super-sized hug from the Lord!!!
Love you,
Jeanne