THE JIST
note to self. when you’re actually ON the mission field, don’t procrastinate blogging. it doesn’t work out well for you 🙂
IF YOU ONLY WANT TO READ A BIT, SKIP DOWN TO “OBJECTS OF HIS AFFECTION.”
I’ve needed to blog for a while now, but so much has been going on in my heart lately that I felt like I needed to completely work through it so I could say “this is what God has brought me through.” But I want to be honest with all of you guys who are supporting me on this journey – that’s what it is, a journey. God is in the midst of healing me of many fears and doubts. He has restored me in many ways, especially lately, but I am still and always will be, a work in progress. What I have realized this past month is that this is a battle that needs to be fought every day. John Piper tweeted the other day (yes, I just referenced twitter for something theological) that we will NEVER understand prayer until we understand that life is war! I am just beginning to understand prayer. While prayer is meant to be intimate and natural, using the image of a wife rolling over and whispering something to her husband across the pillow, it is also a means by which great spiritual hurdles and battles can be overcome – by the love of God, the blood of Jesus, and the power of the Holy Spirit. Even as I type that it sounds so cliche, but each of those specific attributes of the Trinity has become so alive to me lately. So this is going to be a rather long blog. One where I pour out my heart in honesty, and hopefully with abounding hope and passion for the glory of God!
PASSION’11
BASICS
(I really can’t say enough good things about this, GO NEXT YEAR!)
Speaking of Passion, going to Ft. Worth was life changing. There were added bonuses, like cajun food in Louisiana, crossing the Mississippi, cowboy hats, country music, Texan barbeque, hanging out in Georgia and Memphis, and getting stuck in Nashville while 7 tornadoes blew around the city. But back to Passion – it wasn’t like your normal weekend event, worship service, or winter retreat, where while you’re there you get all pumped up and then the next week you get back into the normalcy of life. In fact, while I loved being there, I was SOOOO tired. I hadn’t been sleeping (like, I got a total of 7 hours in about 4 nights), and I was moody and having trouble concentrating. Not to mention I’d never heard most of the worship songs. Still, my prayer throughout was that God would move in my heart and cause change in me. Oh, how He did, and still is continuing to! I’ve never been in a setting with so many people united for one purpose – the glory of God. The sermons, the songs, everything was with one specific focus – that His Name and Renown are the desire of our hearts. It was spine-tingling and like a taste of heaven to sing at the top of my lungs alongside ten thousand university aged Christians “COME! MAGNIFY THE SON!” I wish you all could experience it. Having a weekend where you were led into the presence of God by people like Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, and Kristian Stanfill, and then had the Word preached to you by Francis Chan, John Piper, and Louie Giglio, while praying for the Lord to be glorified in your life, is something where you’d have a hard time walking away unchanged.
JUSTICE
One of the things I appreciated most about this conference was the prerequisite that worshipping with song is just one part of worship – justice is the other part. As we experienced this event, we looked at the scripture where God says “I hate your feasts and your festivals – your empty praise, let there be a flood of justice!” Uh, AMEN. So there were 10,000 of us at Ft Worth. We each brought in a pack of socks and a towel to give to the homeless population in the city. (That’s a lot of socks and towels!) We also all gave $1 which bought 9,000 mosquito nets for villages in Mali, Africa. It didn’t stop there, however. We raised over $200,000 which was enough to meet our goal to fund Bible translation to an unreached people group in Mali! This people group is a half a million people large, and there are less than a dozen Christians. They don’t have ONE word of scripture in their heart language, and its such a blessing to be a part of what God is doing in Mali. We also began to raise money for Haiti-Rising, which is part of the DO SOMETHING NOW campaign of Passion. You can click here to be a part of what God is doing 🙂 http://dosomethingnow.com/causes/haiti-rising/
YES, LORD
One of the things that stuck out to me the most from Passion was Louie Giglio’s message on “Yes, Lord.” The theme verse for Passion (and when I say theme verse, I mean it is EVERY.WHERE.) is Isaiah 26:8 “Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your truth, we wait eagerly for You. Your Name and Renown are the desire of our hearts.” A lot of times we (I) skip over Yes, Lord. It’s just kind of a beginning to the passage. A “Once upon a time” or a “And after this short break, we’ll get back to the show.” But it is crucial! Yes and Lord are two words that go together. You can’t say NO, Lord. If you do, He’s not your Lord. I don’t feel like I need to go into more detail on that, you get it. I’m still working on the application and the joy in that statement, but more on that later 🙂 Just a clarification – this doesn’t mean if YOU stay home from the mission field or you get a normal job or something that you’re saying NO to the Lord. YES does not equal missions for everyone, at least internationally. If God calls you to be a teacher, a pastor, or a stock broker, say Yes to His call. If you say No, He’s not your Lord, at least not actively. But wherever He calls you, make His name famous! Let His name and renown be the desire of your heart! Speaking of saying no to God, I almost did.
HERE AM I LORD, SEND SOMEONE ELSE
Because of some crazy stuff going on in my life, I’ve been dealing with some serious fear about the World Race. I don’t do “change” well. I get mad when maintenance cuts trees down by the pond at school because things are different. So needless to say, when in the next two months I’m saying goodbye to family and friends, graduating college, leaving for a year, and returning home with no safety net (house, money, PBU community, single, etc), I have had more than my fair share of freak-outs. (Thanks to all of you who have put up with me through this process.)
I am still scared. I am still working on that whole “trusting God” thing. BUT God has begun an awesome process of transformation in me of not only accepting this, but finding delight and joy in it. After talking to some missionaries, including a former world racer and my stepmom, I realized that this is something that God does in the lives of all true missionaries, who seek to glorify God and are aware of the severity of His call – it’s scary! But He will provide and bless abundantly!
Rather than share my experience, I’m going to type up some excerpts from my step-mom’s book called Here am I Lord, Send someone else! It makes me feel less alone in all this.
PART 1
“The missionary that was speaking continued on about many hurdles, mental and physical, that one must leap before going on the field. He talked about the things that must be left behind and placed in God’s hands and the commitment one must bring with him.”
I have never felt God’s finger so firmly on me as I did that moment. My reaction was not Isaiah’s but Jonah’s: “No way, Lord! You can’t mean ME!”… During my devotion on one very anxious day, my eyes fell on Luke 14:
“A man once gave a great banquet and invited many. 17And at the time for the banquet he to say to those who had been invited, ‘Come, for everything is now ready.’18But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, ‘I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it. Please have me excused.’19And another said, ‘I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them. Please have me excused.’ 20And another said, ‘I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.’ 21So the servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and said to his servant, ‘Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and crippled and blind and lame.’ 22And the servant said, ‘Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.’ 23And the master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled. 24For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.'”
For so long I’d been praying, “Use me, Lord,” and now when he wanted to use me, all I could give Him were excuses. The Banquet was before me but I was afraid to go in. “Lord, I’m frightened,” I prayed, “How do I enter Your Banquet? How can I be sure this is Your will for me?” His gentle answer was “Enter one step at a time. The doors will open to reveal my path.” With God’s help I timidly followed, one step at a time, still secretly hoping some door would close – soon!”… No decision should be made on the basis of fear. The fear was not from God. That night I humbly knelt down and gave God my fear. As I laid it before Him a tremendous sense of relief and joy flooded over me. The panic and anxiety lifted… With a peace only God can give I responded, “Here am I, Lord, Send me.”
PART 2A year ago I thought missionaries were flawless beings with barely-concealed halos. I was all too human with faults and fears and weaknesses…good, but hardly halo-worthy… Had I become any more righteous? any closer to perfection? No, I was still me. Still stumbling when I should have been trusting, still hiding when I should have been boldly proclaiming. But God has become so much bigger! I struggled with trust. Fear came so much easier. But God repeatedly held my hand and showed me His presence!
PART 3
Can God be trusted? Will He provide? I was out on a limb with no one else and no other resources left to depend on but God. No safety nets under me. I pleaded for God’s comfort…TRUST! Why can’t I trust?…
…As I pondered the events of my life, I realized that looking ahead, down the corridor of time, God’s footprints seemed invisible. But Faith and Trust were the arrows. Now looking backwards, His footprints are plain and from His palette the face of Jesus is outlined in the path. On His course I learned that when my world collapsed, I could see His world more clearly… Compassion and love are the guard rails on His trail, and TRUST is the name of that road. Though Your footprints are invisible, I will follow You in trust In thanksgiving I will glorify Your Name all the days of my life!
ORPHAN OR DAUGHTER?
So why is it, that someone like me has trouble trusting God? Sure, I’ve had some hard times in life, losing a mother, losing friends, various heartbreaks, etc. (Even typing it that simply is weird – those were all huge, significant, devastating losses in my life.) But I’ve always had a place to sleep, never gone hungry, never been sexually abused – I’ve had it pretty good. I grew up by the beach, in a middle class family, I’ve been around the world, gone to a Christian academy and a Biblical university, interned at social service agencies including the Salvation Army, worked in leadership and ministry at a ton of places, have a pastor for a father and a stepmother who was a missionary. You’d THINK. That I. Would know. The peace and benefits. Of trusting GOD. But I still struggle.
On one particularly rainy (and to be honest heartbreaking) days last week, I called up the World Race. I was reallllly struggling with this whole going away thing. I literally couldn’t handle leaving friends and family and everything I know, venturing off into the unknown, and coming back with nothing. (Even as I type that, it still freaks me out a bit.) I called up crying, not wanting to show them my weakness, explaining what was going on in various areas of my life, and what I was clinging to that made me not want to leave.
After hearing my story, Marisa talked to me about something in my life that I had not previously recognized. I was acting as an orphan, not a daughter of God. To illustrate this, I’ll give you the example she gave me. She works with street children. When she was in Kenya a couple weeks ago, she visited some of these children – the kind in the slum with glue addictions to curb their hunger, sleeping in potato sacks on street corners. The kind of children that have to fight to survive, because they have no one to take care of them and provide for them. At one point, she brought out a granola bar, and they practically trampled each other to get a bite of it. They literally fought for the crumbs. They didn’t know her, didn’t trust her, and didn’t know she wanted to provide for them, and fought for tiny morsels.
Conversely, she works at a children’s home where some of these kids have been taken off the streets. They’ve been given a home, education, care, love, provision. It hasn’t been easy, sometimes these kids run away back to the streets because it is familiar, and they only trust themselves. When they come into the home, they have to give up their glue habit (comfort), their old clothes (familiarity), and begin the process of rewiring their brains to learn to trust. When she visited, she got to bake them a cake, and they all waited patiently in line for a piece, knowing that they were loved and provided for. They ended up getting three pieces each!
I’ve realized that as much as I love God, my trust relationship with Him is much more like the glue-addicted street kid that tramples for crumbs, rather than a child who has come into a loving family that will provide and bless. (That was really hard to admit.) Now, if you’re reading this, and I’ve told you I’ve struggled with the idea of leaving you for a year, I AM NOT calling you a crumb or a glue-habit that needs to be rid from my life, haha. I love you all so much. What I am saying is that I am clinging way too tightly to this comfort and safety net that I have around me, and God is calling me to temporarily let go and trust. And who knows? In a year, we may all be still best of friends, or we may still be friends but have gone our separate ways. I don’t know, but God is calling me to let go and trust Him. To let Him be in control, and guide my relationships and life. When I learn to be a daughter of God, that is loved and provided for, that lacks NO good thing, I will see friendships as pure joy and blessing from the Lord, rather than something I “need” in order to get through the day. Does that make sense? I may not be wording it well. Point: I scramble for crumbs, rather than taking the plunge and waiting for God’ best. I need, rather than love. I am taking this journey to learn to love God better and trust Him more, so that I can love you all better as well.I AM NOT AN ORPHAN. I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE MOST HIGH. I WILL BE PROVIDED FOR AND BLESSED. I NEED NOT SCRAMBLE FOR CRUMBS, BUT WAIT FOR HIM. HE LOVES ME, ADORES ME, TREASURES ME, AND WILL GIVE ME WHAT I NEED. I LACK NO GOOD THING. I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR. (phew, teared up typing that!)
OBJECTS OF HIS AFFECTION
Speaking of the above, I have spent this past month reading a book by Scotty Smith called Objects of His Affection. I should probably read this book over and over again every day for the rest of my life, haha. One of the things that his friends told him is that “The reason you haven’t fully come alive to the compelling love of God is because you have yet to deal with your mother’s death (at age 11) and your busy, noisy, heart.” (Uh, me!) Here are some quotes/verses/lyrics:
Thy Mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace, alone from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.
God is committed to removing the obstacles in our hearts that keep us from loving well. We must be committed to surrendering all our hearts to His love.
Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wand’ring heart to Thee.
What would it feel like in your heart to know that God not only accepts you but he also richly enjoys you? To know that your company is His pleasure, your fellowship is His joy, your face is His delight?
GIVE ME POWER TO BELIEVE THAT I AM NOT JUST ONE OF A KA-JILLION SHEEP THAT YOU WILL TAKE TO HEAVEN SOMEDAY, BUT THAT I AM ONE OF YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS IN WHOM YOU FIND GREAT DELIGHT RIGHT NOW.
Coming alive to God’s love is more like a wrestling match than a tea party – Whew! I’m glad I’m not alone!
Do not turn away after useless idols They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. 1 Sam 12:21
As creatures of the Fall, we tragically put people in the place of God. Instead of learning to love and serve people as an overflow of our rich enjoyment of God and obedience to Him, we end up fearing and needing people in very inappropriate and paralyzing ways. (Ugh…)
We cannot, we will not, love and serve people as long as we give them the power of life and death over our hearts. As we rest in the love of Jesus, we are freed to love others as He loves us – including our spouses, children, friends and strangers – and yes, even our enemies. To be delighted in by God enables us to greatly delight in Him.
SO WHATEVER GOD MUST DO TO FREE US TO REST IN HIS PASSIONATE LOVE AND TO SHARE THAT LOVE WITH OTHERS, WE MUST LEARN TO EMBRACE – NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL THE PROCESS MAY BE.
(Seeing that I trusted in things and people more than God hurt. Realizing that I loved things and people more than I loves Jesus hurt even more.)
Those that cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8
Undealt with wounds from the past can limit and distort our experience of God’s love. Like a broken bone that was never set, a broken heart, in time, can throw everything out of whack and define how we walk or limp through life an the knowledge of God. It is as we learn the relationship between our sinfulness and our woundedness that we begin to understand how our hearts serve, as John Calvin said, as idol factories. We create substitutes for the love of God and the God of love. I know this pattern all too well. Our idols need to be exposed and destroyed. In His jealous love, God turns up the heat.FEAR NOT, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name, YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I WILL BE WITH YOU. Isaiah 43:1-2
Until we do this hard and heart work of examining our relationships in the light of God’s truth, His love will remain nothing more to us than a philosophical notion, a sentimental feeling, a mere abstraction, or worse, a matter of complete indifference.
YE FEARFUL SAINTS, FRESH COURAGE TAKE, THE CLOUDS YE SO MUCH DREAD, ARE BIG WITH MERCY, AND SHALL BREAK IN BLESSINGS ON YOUR HEAD.
As we begin to see the Christian life revealed in the Bible as a “sacred romance” the our pursuit of other loves takes on the face of adultery, and our hears are poised to see all sin as the battle for our heart’s affections. TO KNOW ONESELF TO BE THE BELOVED BRIDE OF CHRIST IS TO BE IN A POSITION TO GRIEVE OVER THE WAYS WE GIVE OUR HEARTS TO FAR LESSER LOVES.
Zephaniah 3:17 (English Standard Version)
PRAYER
Glorious Bridegroom.Could it be? Could is really be that You are poised with great anticipation and joy to come for me? What wondrous love is this, that you, O Perfect Son of God, should lavish such tender affection on me? I feel so unworthy of your astonishing love.
Yet You bid me look not to my own merit but to yours. You, my Beloved, have given me a wedding garment of grace. You have robed me in your righteousness. Taken from the brothel of the world, you have washed me, accepted me, and you now love me unconditionally – for you have fully met all the just conditions of the Father’s righteousness.
Continue to heal my deafness to your joyful singing over me in the gospel. May your serenade of grace make all other love songs seem as noise to my soul.
I have loved you because You first loved me. I delight in you because you greatly delight in me. I enjoy you because you enjoy me with no qualification. I sing to you because you sing over me…without ceasing and without restraint.
As I anticipate the day of the great wedding feast, how do I love you best? What praise, what adoration, what service, what investment of hear and life will proclaim with unsullied voice and glad abandonment, “Behold the beauty and matchless love of Jesus! He alone is worthy of everything you have and are!” Loose my heart, loose my tongue, loose my possessions, loose my hands, loose my days…Amen.
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Hi Stephanie,
I just came from Good Friday at Trinity.
I found your “card” about your blog a few weeks ago and try to visit your site.
I just want you to know how much you inspire me. I’m a “baby” christian and so admire your words of faith and love for God.
Thank you!
amen. So glad to know God is invading your heart and mind and teaching you so much 🙂