At The End of Me
Living in the jungle of cambodia this month has had its fair share of memorable experiences. Living in a treehouse under a mango tree, hearing a pig slaughtered every morning, having running water and electricity (sometimes), riding motorbikes to ministry, and getting to take the gospel for the first time to an unreached island. Soon, I’ll share more stories and pictures. But I want to let you in on what God is doing in my heart, and why I feel like I’m at the end of me.
As we entered our jungle month, I had a feeling God was up to something big, and that scared me. I figured month 11 would probably be at least a little more westernized, so month 10 would be a big last month of abandonment and seeking God alone. During the first few days of the month, He put things on my heart to surrender fully to Him. To get out of His way, to give them up, and see how He takes care of me.
Sure. Fine. Great. He’s good. But those things hurt to give up.
So, I spent the next week and a half or so digging into God and His word as hard as I could. My journal is littered with “die to self” and “He is enough” lingo, and I listened to countless worship songs and sermons by people like Mark Driscoll, John Piper, Matt Chandler, Francis Chan… you get the picture.
But even though I love our contacts and this month is an adventure. I was stuck in the jungle. Eating rice, pork, and mangos every day. It was super exciting if we found a Coke. I made a commitment in the beginning of the month to not distract myself with movies, secular music, excessive internet (we didn’t have it anyway) or anything like that. I just wanted God and Him alone.
It got to the point, a couple days ago, where our team went a little crazy. Everyone is getting sick, Sam and Amanda are in the hospital in the city with Dengue fever, we have nothing to do in our spare time except talk in the hammocks, play cards, and work out. Sometimes it was too hot to move, and we’d all just lay on the ground, haha. And then, my computer stopped working. The missionary had said that ants get inside and eat the computer. Great. (By the way, it works on and off now, praise the Lord.) But it scares me still, because my external harddrive also does not work, so I thought I lost/could still lose all my videos and pictures from the Race. I also couldn’t take any more pictures, because my camera is full and my computer doesnt have any room or work to hold them. I also gave away my Bible last month, so my iPod has a Bible on it that I was using, but I still missed my Bible. Blah, blah, blah, you get the picture.
So… we took an overnight trip to visit the girls in the hospital. I took my iPod, because with no Bible and everything, it was a huge blessing in seeking the Lord, keeping my heart right, etc.
So, after visiting them, Natalie and I got on the Tuk Tuk (a motorcycle with a card behind it) for the hour ride home. After we got moving and were on the bigger roads, I got out my iPod to listen to some Christian music about, ha, surrendering to the Lord.
Cambodia is the 30th country I’ve been in. I’m pretty good at knowing when it’s safe and not safe to whip out something like an iPod. And usually, moving fast on the highway is pretty darn safe.
So, I’m praying. Praying over the monks and temples we drive by.
Videoing a few clips of the insanity of drivers in Cambodia.
Listening to worship music.
So, the next song came on.
“All Your ways are good.
All your ways are sure.
I will trust in You alone…
All I need is You alone.
Where You go, I’ll go.
Where You stay, I’ll stay…
I will follow You…
If this life I lose,
I will follow You.”
Snatch.
Two men had driven up on a motorcycle.
One grabbed my arm and took my iPod right out of my hand and drove away.
REALLY, GOD?!
I live in the jungle for you.
I bring the gospel to unreached people for you.
I surrender everything to you.
You already HAVE my heart.
Why do you need my iPod too?
(I know that sounds sort of lame, but it was my sanity this month.)
So? I just cried.
And pouted.
“If this LIFE I lose, I will follow You.”
…and I can’t even lose an iPod?
To be honest, yes, it’s difficult, and frustrating. And I have no idea where money will come from once I get home for a computer and iPod, both of which I need for photography/work. But… in all reality, it’s just an iPod.
So, last night, when I laid back down on the bamboo floor to go to sleep.
After digging through my pack to find my last earplug so I could sleep.
(I told God that I couldn’t handle not sleeping for the next week,
so He let me find the earplug, haha.)
I realized I was at the end of me.
I have to rely on my teammates pictures to show you all.
I have to barely use my computer so it doesn’t break again.
I can’t listen to worship music.
I can’t listen to sermons.
I don’t even have a Bible.
So, I have God.
And even if, to be honest, His tactics and the things He allows annoy me sometimes.
And I know there are way bigger trials in life than losing an iPod.
(Though, that’s a big one on the Race.)
He’s enough.
And even though I’m at the end of me.
And to be honest, a little tired of surrendering.
(Willfully or unwillfully.)
He’s enough.
He’s enough.
He’s enough.
(Fun jungle-y pictures, Malaysia information,
and all that good stuff coming soon.)
Be home in 39 days.
Oh Stephie 🙂
First I wanted to say how great it has been to read about your travels for the past almost year. It has been awesome seeing how God has used you and how He has helped you grow as well 🙂
I can’t even begin to imagine all you have gone through, but I know that He has used you to impact those around in other countries. He must be because He is using you to even impact those of us here at home through your blogs…..God is enough, He really is enough. That is such a simple statement, yet so powerful and what we all need to be focused on every day.
Love you, praying for you, that He will provide peace and comfort to you in those incredibly stretching times 🙂
Dear Steph,
My heart goes out to you, along with a great big hug! I’m sorry you’ve had to surrender so much while being so willing and obedient in your service to the Lord on this race. But, I am so relieved by God’s continued protection of you whenever you describe the situations you have come through. We can always get you another iPod, but not ever get another you — so I praise God that you are safe, and I’m assuming healthy since you were only visiting the hospital and not admitted. I will be praying for Sam and Amanda.
Your blog made me think of Job, and all that God allowed to be taken from him. In Job 23:10-12 he says, “But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His way without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread.” These could easily be words coming from your mouth (except the end words would be “more than my iPod”).
You have done a tremendous job of pressing on through various circumstances beyond your control and rising above your greatest fears because you have yielded your heart and soul to God and His power. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, but remember how Job’s story ended? He blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first — not just with family and material possessions, but with a better understanding of who God is, along with the wisdom that can only come from God.
So just keep on trusting Him, and I don’t say that lightly; for although I am in no way being challenged nearly as much as you, still I have to learn every day to trust Him more, and it’s still not easy, and it’s still scary. But oh how our faith grows with each trial or circumstance we trust Him to bring us through.
May you continue to be empowered by the Holy Spirit who lives within you, and encouraged by all of us back home who love you and are praying for you.
With love,
Angela
Stephanie,
It was so good to hear from you yesterday, and to know that you still have a “bounce” in your voice even through the new trials. So much about you and your various ministries has to do with your giftedness in phots, videos, and other electronic media. That will come again. But God is taking the “you” that you are, and bringing you to the “you” that he is shaping. You may eventually get everything back to minister to him. But the blessing of this last month is “God and God alone.” If we see a few less picture or a few minutes shorter video, it will not take away from the crazy wonderful adventure you’ve been on. What’s really going to make a difference is the new “you” that will be a witness to God’s creative work on your trip. I love you my daughter, and can’t wait to see you again. God is good ALL the time.
Love,
Dad
Wish I could “like” all of these posts. All I can say is “ditto” to the above. Thanks for pouring out your heart Steph. Thanks for being faithful to him despite the circumstances. Your blogs are a constant reminder to us here in the U.S. how good we have it, or maybe not so good when we realize how our “things” distract us from undevoted attention to God. Blessings on the final 30 days of your adventure.
Ken
P.S. You can add your dad’s sermons to your “must listen” opportunities. His proclaimation of our need to share God’s love in Romans 12 – particularly those that seem so un-loveable – has been a blessing to me and I’m sure to many others.
Giving full surrender to Christ is difficult,our flesh screams out to hang on… but remember God never asks us to give up something without putting something better in its place.
I am blessed to hear your transparency in the Lord. He knows everything about us and He does want us to share ourselves with each other and that is exactly what you are doing.. Praise the Lord for you.
Cant wait to see you
Love Laurie Q.
The loss of things especially your Bible reminds me of Pastor Richard Wurmbrand – during the time Communists seized Romania – 1945.
He was a Jewish Believer – author, educator, evangelical minister – who spent fourteen years in Communist imprisonment and torture in his homeland of Romania because of his faith in Christ. It was a brutal and degrading captivity.
These Christian captives had been without Bibles for so long, their trust and belief in Christ came from crying out to Christ Himself … through the torture, they experienced His comfort.
Wurmbrand said, “it was beautiful! When they forgot the Word of truth … they felt Jesus’ presence and His love for those who mock and oppress them.â€
Obviously, this is way more intense than your situation,Steph, but I thought … Our Father may allow difficult things, but His Presence is promised to always be with us … and it’s so much better than any earthly thing … as you know! What a gift that you’ve been able to experience the joy of His presence in the circumstances He has placed you.
Love, Betsy
The loss of things…..we could ALL use a little more of that. Giving you Bible away was a wonderful thing…like giving the parched something to drink. And you iPod loss…..a test….you have to depend on scripture from memory, as many Saints on the field and in prisons have had to do, so count yourself as the priveleged (as I sit in the comfort of America and write this). He calls us to complete dependance, our ‘old self’ died with him, we just have trouble DOING that…letting Chist live through us and we being utterly dependant, with out ‘doing it’ though our efforts. Indeed, a REALLY hard thing to do. I/(we) seem to minister through our abilities and depend on OUR talents rather that letting God use us. I picture myself as let’s say a piccolo, in it’self cannot utter a single note, but with the right mucician…WHOA! You are blessed in having ‘lost’ all your tools, HE is at work in you and through you in a way beyond our miniscule imaginations. When you get back, I cannot imagine what God will ultimately use you in, but HE will. Stripped we are usable, with all our ‘stuff’ we are distracted. Oh, and by the way, I am praying for that iPod and the people who will hear the gospel because it got stolen and what a surprise when they hear scripture intead of rock music! You Go Girl!!
Love ya, Susan
Hi Stephanie,
Right on – God is all we need!
My daughter ask me – what if my stuff was taken away without my knowledge how would I feel…I didn’t answer her at the time…but now I think would be relief! Stuff distracts, stuff takes away my time and heart from God.
I am sorry about the Ipod…has God replaced the music with a welcome breeze, a bird in the air, insects making noise. Nature is a free IPOD music for all to see, hear, smell the flowers/plants.
I envy you (in a good way) when you say HE IS ENOUGH. He is working on me too…may I be like you to say HE IS ENOUGH.
With lots of love and laughter,
Helene
Wow. Look at how much your blog has spoken to people!! I’m so sorry about everything that’s been going “wrong” and in the same breath I’m so thankful for the way God continues to capture your heart. Even in the depths, even when you’re at the END of yourself, He’s still there. You see this, you know this, you’re leaning into this. Into HIM! Praying for Him to continue to hold you, guide you, speak to you, comfort you and pour Himself over you! LOVE you Steph.
Hi Stephanie, God is fully aware of the situation you are in at this time, He’s involved, He’s orchestrating the whole thing. He loves you more than anyone on this earth and knows what He is doing with you. Patiently endure where you are in Him. We have a saying on our bulletin board—-
When you have everything but Christ you have nothing,
If you have nothing but Christ you have everything.
Dear one, we love you and are praying for you and looking forward to seeing you soon. Your car misses you, ha ha.
We are minding it for you. Love you so much, Peg
stephie,
what an encouragement. God is enough. And that is really all I have to say because that;s what it is about and you just reminded me of the place my heart needs to be. your a blessing.
love you!